Since that evil pagan holiday is creeping up on us again, I figured I'd provide a public service and post a guide for identifying any demon-worshipers in your local communities. The following are some of the important signs to watch out for. Note that just because somebody matches one or two of these doesn't necessarily mean you've made a positive identification, but if they match more than a few you should probably be worried.

* Their eyes glow in the dark or reflect light like an animal's

* Their idea of wholesome entertainment involves creepy chanting in archaic languages

* They claim to eat flesh and drink or bathe in blood

* They consider willingness to commit human sacrifice to be a virtue

* They maintain covenants via genital mutilation

* They are, raise, or worship zombies

* They promote slavery or similar institutions

* They have a history of burning people alive

* They frequently hold meetings in buildings decorated with macabre images of human suffering

* They claim their cult's members have (or have had) magic powers

* Their dread-god openly plans to destroy the world Soon™, especially in a process involving monsters

* Their cult's venerated heroes have cursed thousands of unborn children (and their children, and so on) for frivolous reasons, ordered their soldiers to conduct mass rape, etc.

* They demonize the quest for knowledge, the asking of questions, etc., demanding blind faith in their dread-god's terrible righteousness

* They believe that membership in their cult excuses all wrongs

* They scare people into selling their souls with threats of eternal torture

* They egotistically abuse the rules of capitalization

Stay safe, my friends.

The idea behind the mass rape is to get more cursed children for their apocalypse army.

So abortion is like Obama's way of flipping them off?