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A few gems
First, the government.
_________________
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named “Governmentium.”
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutron exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
The characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is called “Critical Morass.”
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
_________________
A good old Irish whooping.
_________________
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that,” said the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn’t care.”
The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set them off. Watch and learn.”
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off. Just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”
“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”.
_________________
A few blonde jokes, of course.
_________________
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!
“What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community. How can I reach my full potential as a person as long as people like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde stops him. “You stay out of this. Mister, I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
_________________
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”
“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”
_________________
Corporate Sociology 101: The Two Cow Explanation
_________________
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows…
but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported otherwise.
(No offense meant to anyone)
_________________
Politics :P
_________________
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box kid?”
To which the little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”
Al Gore laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”
“Democrats,” the child says.
“Oh that’s cute,” Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Al Gore says to Bill, “You gotta check this out,” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al Gore says, “Look in the box Bill, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.”
The boy replies, “They’re Republicans.”
“Whoa!”, Al Gore says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What’s up?”
“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now.”
_________________
Computers. Hehe.
_________________
(Roughing it)
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life… Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But– but, that’s impossible,” stutters the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place, ” she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines–strategically positioned– and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months? You know… ” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean– ?”, he swallows excitedly, “– I can check my e-mail from here…?”
_________________
(If restaurants were run like Microsoft...)
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is upgraded every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
(More jokes at http://www.funnycleanjokes.com/ )
_________________
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named “Governmentium.”
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutron exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
The characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is called “Critical Morass.”
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
_________________
A good old Irish whooping.
_________________
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that,” said the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn’t care.”
The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set them off. Watch and learn.”
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off. Just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”
“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”.
_________________
A few blonde jokes, of course.
_________________
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!
“What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community. How can I reach my full potential as a person as long as people like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde stops him. “You stay out of this. Mister, I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
_________________
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”
“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”
_________________
Corporate Sociology 101: The Two Cow Explanation
_________________
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows…
but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported otherwise.
(No offense meant to anyone)
_________________
Politics :P
_________________
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box kid?”
To which the little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”
Al Gore laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”
“Democrats,” the child says.
“Oh that’s cute,” Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Al Gore says to Bill, “You gotta check this out,” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al Gore says, “Look in the box Bill, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.”
The boy replies, “They’re Republicans.”
“Whoa!”, Al Gore says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What’s up?”
“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now.”
_________________
Computers. Hehe.
_________________
(Roughing it)
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life… Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But– but, that’s impossible,” stutters the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place, ” she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines–strategically positioned– and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months? You know… ” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean– ?”, he swallows excitedly, “– I can check my e-mail from here…?”
_________________
(If restaurants were run like Microsoft...)
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is upgraded every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
(More jokes at http://www.funnycleanjokes.com/ )
ahahhah holy shit.
One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor if he would cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. The janitor agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."
"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be three Hail Mary's, plus five bucks."
"Thank you, Father."
Another person came into the booth. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."
"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 Hail Mary's, plus fourteen bucks.""Thank you, Father." This was easy, the janitor thought. Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of oral sex.""Oral sex, huh?" He looked at the list, but didn't see oral sex there. So, he excused himself to look for help. He found an alter boy hanging out on the steps of the church.
"Excuse me," the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for oral sex?"
"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."
-----------------
A priest, a lawer and a social worker are sharing a row of seats on an airplane. The captain comes over the intercom and says
"Folks, we have a fuel leak. We're going to jettison the luggage and see if that will lighten us enough to make it to the airport."
A few minutes later, the captain comes back on the intercom and says "Well, folks, that wasn't enough. We're going to have to evacuate the plane. Unfortunately, we don't have quite enough parachutes to go around, so you'll have to decide which of you gets to go."
The social worker jumps up and yells "We've got to save the children!"
The lawyer jumps up and yells "Fuck the children!"
The priest jumps up and yells "Is there time?"
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."
"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be three Hail Mary's, plus five bucks."
"Thank you, Father."
Another person came into the booth. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."
"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 Hail Mary's, plus fourteen bucks.""Thank you, Father." This was easy, the janitor thought. Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of oral sex.""Oral sex, huh?" He looked at the list, but didn't see oral sex there. So, he excused himself to look for help. He found an alter boy hanging out on the steps of the church.
"Excuse me," the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for oral sex?"
"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."
-----------------
A priest, a lawer and a social worker are sharing a row of seats on an airplane. The captain comes over the intercom and says
"Folks, we have a fuel leak. We're going to jettison the luggage and see if that will lighten us enough to make it to the airport."
A few minutes later, the captain comes back on the intercom and says "Well, folks, that wasn't enough. We're going to have to evacuate the plane. Unfortunately, we don't have quite enough parachutes to go around, so you'll have to decide which of you gets to go."
The social worker jumps up and yells "We've got to save the children!"
The lawyer jumps up and yells "Fuck the children!"
The priest jumps up and yells "Is there time?"
Props to you, genka, for that amazing post.
lol @ genka!
A man is sitting at a bar and another guy sits down next to him with a big gym bag. After a minute the he gets curious and asks "what's in the bag?"
The new guy informs him that it's his sniper rifle and he is a hitman. The first guy is amazed "really? cool, lets go outside, I bet I can see my house through the scope"
They go outside and the man looks at his house through the rifle's scope and sees his wife cheating on him with his neighbor. He hands the rifle back to the hitman and asks the hitman "how much do you charge?"
The hitman tells him the rate is 50 bucks a shot. The husband thinks this is reasonable and pulls 100 bucks out of his wallet and hands it to the hitman "here, I want you to shoot my wife in the head and my neighbor in the dick"
The hitman proceeds to get himself setup, takes aim then hesitates.
"Well what are you waiting for man, shoot them!" The hitman smiles and says "hang on buddy, I think I can save you 50 bucks"
The new guy informs him that it's his sniper rifle and he is a hitman. The first guy is amazed "really? cool, lets go outside, I bet I can see my house through the scope"
They go outside and the man looks at his house through the rifle's scope and sees his wife cheating on him with his neighbor. He hands the rifle back to the hitman and asks the hitman "how much do you charge?"
The hitman tells him the rate is 50 bucks a shot. The husband thinks this is reasonable and pulls 100 bucks out of his wallet and hands it to the hitman "here, I want you to shoot my wife in the head and my neighbor in the dick"
The hitman proceeds to get himself setup, takes aim then hesitates.
"Well what are you waiting for man, shoot them!" The hitman smiles and says "hang on buddy, I think I can save you 50 bucks"
Hahaha! Good one Look. :)
A lawyer and his friend, who's one fire, walk into a bar. The lawyer leaves his friend at a booth and tells him he'll be right back because he needs to go to the bathroom, but asks the friend to order a couple of beers.
The lawyer enters the men's bathroom, pees in the urinal, flushes it, and then zips up. After doing all this, he walks over to the sink and turns on the water. It's one of those annoying sinks that you push down and then it turns off every few seconds. He puts his hands under it, rinses them, rubs soap in them, and then has to push down the knob, again, to turn the water back on.
After the lawyer rinses his hands off and finishes drying them with a paper towel, he does a double take towards the sink because it still seems to be running. But it turns off after a second or two.
The lawyer leaves the bathroom and is confronted by a really sexy blond who informs him that her friend thinks that his friend is really hot but that she is too shy to tell him, herself. She points to her equally sexy friend over at the bar's counter. He agrees to relay the message to his friend.
The lawyer goes back to his booth and tell his friend "Hey, I think that chick over there is really into you," but his friend doesn't respond in an articulate matter because he is on fire. He proceeds to panic and toss chairs around, also knocking down several tables in a frantic attempt to stop drop and roll.
The lawyer enters the men's bathroom, pees in the urinal, flushes it, and then zips up. After doing all this, he walks over to the sink and turns on the water. It's one of those annoying sinks that you push down and then it turns off every few seconds. He puts his hands under it, rinses them, rubs soap in them, and then has to push down the knob, again, to turn the water back on.
After the lawyer rinses his hands off and finishes drying them with a paper towel, he does a double take towards the sink because it still seems to be running. But it turns off after a second or two.
The lawyer leaves the bathroom and is confronted by a really sexy blond who informs him that her friend thinks that his friend is really hot but that she is too shy to tell him, herself. She points to her equally sexy friend over at the bar's counter. He agrees to relay the message to his friend.
The lawyer goes back to his booth and tell his friend "Hey, I think that chick over there is really into you," but his friend doesn't respond in an articulate matter because he is on fire. He proceeds to panic and toss chairs around, also knocking down several tables in a frantic attempt to stop drop and roll.
But what happened to the BEERS?!?