I deal with morons. Every day. Each day I feel like reaching out my hands, closing them around the idiot's throat, to put them out of MY misery.

Some idiot thinks that he can take a coaxial cable, wrap the two center conductors around each other, wrap electrical tape, and voila! it works! ... not.

Someone else wants me to devote 4 hours of my day teaching him how to use his computer, when MY JOB was to install his cablemodem.. moron

Idiot #3 thinks that somehow, the internet is supposed to be just as fast as his video card...

EZR

I understand completely. I have to deal with the same sort of folks in my job. Luckily, I eventually get to go home, start up VO, stick a nice mug of root beer in my comp's cupholder, and enjoy the peace and serenity of mining.

Your computer has a cup-holder? Duuuude. o.O

My old laptop had a cupholder. My new one doesn't.

Ha. Try dealing with people who expect Microsoft Word to be a professional page-layout program. And explaining to them that we can't print the color #00FF00 with ink on paper, the whole additive color vs. subtractive color thing.

Or people who set paragraphs of type in Photoshop. And don't divulge the layered Photoshop file. And then expect you to make changes.

Oh, the stories of woe and fail that I have accumulated...

My favourite is still the Producer who walked into a green screen dailies review at a friend's studio, and asked if, because it was green screen, they could have the guy walking away from the camera instead of towards it.

(Unfortunately I work with pretty competent people, although I'm always amazed when code-monkeys don't know CSS).

Stupid people who think they know it all, are far far worse.

"My monitor stopped working, its just saying 'No Signal' when I turn my computer on" - "That could be a problem with your PC" - "No, the lights come on on my PC..." ETC ETC ETC.

"I am having trouble printing, I know what I am doing with computers, but I just cannot work this problem out" - "Are you running under Windows?" - "No, but Bob's PC is under a Window, and he can print fine - OK, thank you, I will move my PC (dial tone)"

"Xp Anti Virus asked me for my credit card information, and I entered it, but it still says I am unregistered" - "Uhum, YOU DID WHAT? XP anti virus is a virus, and its probably a good idea to contact your bank!" - "Oh yeah, I know its an anti virus, thats why I installed it" - "No, Sir, you mis-understand, its a virus" - "So why is it offering to remove them? Forget it, I will contact Symantec"

Some people say you can't fix stupid.

I say that's what Darwin Awards are for. >.>

Too bad computers don't explode if you misuse them.

Just like some people (like me) advocate the requirement of passing a test before becoming parents (and then renewing before each child born)....

We should also have a test for computer ownership. If you don't keep your computer ownership info up-to-date, you can't call tech support of ANY company.

We require a drivers' license to operate an automobile, why not these two?

OK, that would be abused on several levels, but one can dream...

I have an employee who is regularly and consistently flumoxed by the locking and anti-toppling features of the lateral filing cabinet in my office. At first it was charming, then amusing, and now I just daydream about those silly safety features failing...

More stupid people today! YAY!

Customer says "My on demand dont work! never worked!" I get there, works fine "Oh sure it works now, but it wont when you leave, the box is bad" so I run more tests, find nothing wrong, say "eff it" replace the box anyway. customer comes back "bad box huh?" "not that I can tell" He fiddles with the remote a bit "This box changes channels too slow, put the other one back on"

WTF? "Ok" After I left, called dispatch and said, in nicer terms of course "that dumb bastard.. nothin wrong.. bill him for the call"

--

Another one, I call her at 330pm, says "I told them to say no one there til after 4pm" "Well ma'am, I'm thirty minutes away, so that would be ... after 4pm" "But I wont be there til 430" GAH! Why didn't you SAY SO when you set up the appointment MORON!

--

Yet another one "What seems to be the problem?" "My internet isnt working." Look at the cablemodem.. it's online, functioning properly, remote tests say everything is fine. Fire up IE, dns error, open up network settings. Local Area Network is disabled, and firewire network is enabled. Explain it to customer. "It's always been that way, and it's worked" Felt like punching him in the nose.

Just another day in the life of the cable tv service tech.

break19

Heh, I bet I know what happened with that last one- someone else nearby had an unsecured wireless network, and he had been leeching off it. They finally wised up and/or turned it off, resulting in the loss of connection. That's the incredible wonder of stupidity- all too often, adding more somehow manages to make things work in a completely unintended way.

I got a better one break19.

Customer calls to complain that his internet is not working anymore. Try pulling up his account but it's not showing up. Inform customer he isn't one, ask about how he was getting service.., come to find out he was leaching off his neighbors wifi and they finally secured it. Ugh... (wasted 15mins on THAT call) Dumb ass people.

What? you mean the internet isn't free?? I thought it just came out of thin air and tended to accumulate in large pockets at Panera Bakeries.

aaaaand another one.

Customer says TVs dont work, but internet is fine. Someone in the past had ran two separate lines from the street connection to her home (Against our policy except in super-rare circumstances). One of which was disconnected, so I simply added a splitter to the other line, hooked everything else in correctly. Customer starts flipping out "It's my right to have 2 drops if I want them!" Uhh

I felt like saying "Hey dumbass, go to the store, buy a pack of M&Ms and then try to walk out with 2 packs of em.. "

Moron.

"Here at Two Joneses, if your neighbor has cable, you can have cable, too!"
- very old SNL sketch.