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Lit up
Y'all should enjoy this. It is one of my emails home to friends and family.
Subject: Lit up
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2008 04:19:51 -0800 (PST)
From the minds of two bored, trigger-happy Marine Lance Corporals on a two hour post at the gate around midday directly to you at your email inbox I present, reasons you just might get lit the *%#& up when you approach our gate.
1. If you fail to use your turn signal, such that we don't know you're about to
drive up to us, prepare to be lit up.
2. If you show your ID upside down, prepare to be lit up.
3. If you place your ID against the window flanked by your face pressing
against the glass on one side and a thumbs up on the other, prepare to be lit
up.
4. If you try to fake us out by driving toward our gate and then changing
direction, prepare to be lit up.
5. If your vehicle smells like sewage, prepare to be lit up.
6. If you begin to drive off when what we actually just asked you is to open
your vehicle door, prepare to be lit up.
7. If you approach our gate from outside OR inside without being signalled to
do so, prepare to be lit up.
8. If you walk through our gate and expect us to read your ID without breaking
your stride, prepare to be lit up.
9. If you drive a motor vehicle or bicycle through our gate and expect us to
read your ID without coming to a complete stop, prepare to be lit up.
10. If you expect to show us your ID through the windshield instead of the
window or doorway of your vehicle, prepare to be lit up.
11. If you switch IDs with your buddy who has the same last name to see if we
notice, prepare to be lit up.
12. If you fail to remove your sunglasses, face wrap, neck gator, scarf, or
otherwise face-obscuring garment while we check your ID, prepare to be lit up.
13. If you show the sentry your handgun instead of your ID like this is some
kind of movie, prepare to be lit up.
14. If we cannot read or pronounce your last name after two attempts, prepare
to be lit up.
15. If you stop before reaching the sentries and expect us to walk toward you
instead of stopping where we desire, prepare to be lit up.
16. If you use your high or low beams to blind the sentries, prepare to be lit
up.
17. If you approach the gate at night with no lights on your vehicle
whatsoever, prepare to be lit up.
18. If you get angry with us for doing our jobs when you were the idiot to
forget your ID, prepare to be lit up.
19. If you nearly cause a vehicular mishap in front of our gate, prepare to be
lit up.
20. If you signal and then turn your vehicle the opposite direction, prepare to
be lit up.
21. If you are a leader who has the balls to comment that your section is
the only group of Marines who accomplish any work to a sentry who is standing a
post and literally guarding you and your precious section while you sleep,
prepare to be lit up, you of all people should know better.
22. If YOU think YOU'RE cold during the third hour of one of our night shift
posts, prepare to be lit up.
23. If you are a sentry who stood the post before ours and you burned all the
wood or drank all the hot chocolate, prepare to be lit up.
24. If you broke the 23rd rule during the afternoon such that it is not yet
even cold, prepare to be lit up a second time.
25. If you begin to drive off while still looking to the side at one of the
sentries, nearly hitting another sentry instead of looking forward, prepare to
be lit up.
26. If your vehicle has "wash me" written in the dust which coats it like a
blanket more than once (whether we wrote it both times or not), prepare to be
lit up.
27. If you drive over our speed bumps so fast that cargo falls off your
vehicle, prepare to be lit up.
28. If you pass through our gate with pizza and taunt us about it, prepare to
be lit up.
29. If you attempt to remove our magazines from our weapons while speaking
words which no sane person could call english, prepare to be lit up.
30. If you are basically anyone who attempts to touch us or our weapons while
they are loaded, prepare to be lit up.
31. If at night you find yourself driving a 5-axeled fuel truck (or any fuel
truck) and you choose to gun your engine while across the intersection from our
gate before turning right (or left) at the last second while still accelerating
and never once dimmed your lights or signalled a turn, prepare to be lit up.
32. If your vehicle or any part of your gear is the color pink, prepare to be
lit up.
33. If you cover all or part of the relevant information on the ID while
"showing" it to us, prepare to be lit up.
34. If you, upon showing us your ID, proceed to hand the ID to another
passenger in your vehicle to show to us, prepare to be lit up. Come on, do we
look that stupid?
A note to the reader: While the majority of these rules to avoid being lit up are based upon actual events during the past three days, some are theoretical. Most are intended to be humorous. No Third Country Nationals, Iraqi Nationals, allies, Americans, Marines, or other servicemen or women were actually lit up by sentries despite the fact that we would have been justified more than once (cough fuel truck cough). Some rules were added during the typing of this email, some were probably forgotten before being written down, and some are actually not a joke because we mean it. When in doubt please consult your local Marine sentry from two arms' distance while making sure your hands are not concealed. If you need to ask whether or not we were joking about accelerating toward our gate with a fuel truck in the middle of the night, prepare to be lit up. If you did not know until reading this sentence that being "lit up" means being shot, shot at, lit on fire from being shot so many times, and pumped full of lead like in a mobster movie... don't worry, we won't light you up for that. Really. Pay no attention to my overwatch sentry behind the barrier, that was not the sound of a round being chambered in an M16A2 service rifle.
Subject: Lit up
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2008 04:19:51 -0800 (PST)
From the minds of two bored, trigger-happy Marine Lance Corporals on a two hour post at the gate around midday directly to you at your email inbox I present, reasons you just might get lit the *%#& up when you approach our gate.
1. If you fail to use your turn signal, such that we don't know you're about to
drive up to us, prepare to be lit up.
2. If you show your ID upside down, prepare to be lit up.
3. If you place your ID against the window flanked by your face pressing
against the glass on one side and a thumbs up on the other, prepare to be lit
up.
4. If you try to fake us out by driving toward our gate and then changing
direction, prepare to be lit up.
5. If your vehicle smells like sewage, prepare to be lit up.
6. If you begin to drive off when what we actually just asked you is to open
your vehicle door, prepare to be lit up.
7. If you approach our gate from outside OR inside without being signalled to
do so, prepare to be lit up.
8. If you walk through our gate and expect us to read your ID without breaking
your stride, prepare to be lit up.
9. If you drive a motor vehicle or bicycle through our gate and expect us to
read your ID without coming to a complete stop, prepare to be lit up.
10. If you expect to show us your ID through the windshield instead of the
window or doorway of your vehicle, prepare to be lit up.
11. If you switch IDs with your buddy who has the same last name to see if we
notice, prepare to be lit up.
12. If you fail to remove your sunglasses, face wrap, neck gator, scarf, or
otherwise face-obscuring garment while we check your ID, prepare to be lit up.
13. If you show the sentry your handgun instead of your ID like this is some
kind of movie, prepare to be lit up.
14. If we cannot read or pronounce your last name after two attempts, prepare
to be lit up.
15. If you stop before reaching the sentries and expect us to walk toward you
instead of stopping where we desire, prepare to be lit up.
16. If you use your high or low beams to blind the sentries, prepare to be lit
up.
17. If you approach the gate at night with no lights on your vehicle
whatsoever, prepare to be lit up.
18. If you get angry with us for doing our jobs when you were the idiot to
forget your ID, prepare to be lit up.
19. If you nearly cause a vehicular mishap in front of our gate, prepare to be
lit up.
20. If you signal and then turn your vehicle the opposite direction, prepare to
be lit up.
21. If you are a leader who has the balls to comment that your section is
the only group of Marines who accomplish any work to a sentry who is standing a
post and literally guarding you and your precious section while you sleep,
prepare to be lit up, you of all people should know better.
22. If YOU think YOU'RE cold during the third hour of one of our night shift
posts, prepare to be lit up.
23. If you are a sentry who stood the post before ours and you burned all the
wood or drank all the hot chocolate, prepare to be lit up.
24. If you broke the 23rd rule during the afternoon such that it is not yet
even cold, prepare to be lit up a second time.
25. If you begin to drive off while still looking to the side at one of the
sentries, nearly hitting another sentry instead of looking forward, prepare to
be lit up.
26. If your vehicle has "wash me" written in the dust which coats it like a
blanket more than once (whether we wrote it both times or not), prepare to be
lit up.
27. If you drive over our speed bumps so fast that cargo falls off your
vehicle, prepare to be lit up.
28. If you pass through our gate with pizza and taunt us about it, prepare to
be lit up.
29. If you attempt to remove our magazines from our weapons while speaking
words which no sane person could call english, prepare to be lit up.
30. If you are basically anyone who attempts to touch us or our weapons while
they are loaded, prepare to be lit up.
31. If at night you find yourself driving a 5-axeled fuel truck (or any fuel
truck) and you choose to gun your engine while across the intersection from our
gate before turning right (or left) at the last second while still accelerating
and never once dimmed your lights or signalled a turn, prepare to be lit up.
32. If your vehicle or any part of your gear is the color pink, prepare to be
lit up.
33. If you cover all or part of the relevant information on the ID while
"showing" it to us, prepare to be lit up.
34. If you, upon showing us your ID, proceed to hand the ID to another
passenger in your vehicle to show to us, prepare to be lit up. Come on, do we
look that stupid?
A note to the reader: While the majority of these rules to avoid being lit up are based upon actual events during the past three days, some are theoretical. Most are intended to be humorous. No Third Country Nationals, Iraqi Nationals, allies, Americans, Marines, or other servicemen or women were actually lit up by sentries despite the fact that we would have been justified more than once (cough fuel truck cough). Some rules were added during the typing of this email, some were probably forgotten before being written down, and some are actually not a joke because we mean it. When in doubt please consult your local Marine sentry from two arms' distance while making sure your hands are not concealed. If you need to ask whether or not we were joking about accelerating toward our gate with a fuel truck in the middle of the night, prepare to be lit up. If you did not know until reading this sentence that being "lit up" means being shot, shot at, lit on fire from being shot so many times, and pumped full of lead like in a mobster movie... don't worry, we won't light you up for that. Really. Pay no attention to my overwatch sentry behind the barrier, that was not the sound of a round being chambered in an M16A2 service rifle.
roflmao.. love military humor.
and I agree with all of em.. add one.. if you attempt to say "Semper Fi" and mispronounce it like some kinda jerkoff flyboy.. prepare be lit up.
edit: one of my grampa's was a marine, the other a puke.. the puke was KIA, the marine came home and made babies. Semper Fi. (no disprespect to the USAF intended... Im proud of both... the AF man was a test pilot, dangerous work, but somebody had to do it.. and, as a result of his death, the ejection seats of the F4 phantom were improved..)
and I agree with all of em.. add one.. if you attempt to say "Semper Fi" and mispronounce it like some kinda jerkoff flyboy.. prepare be lit up.
edit: one of my grampa's was a marine, the other a puke.. the puke was KIA, the marine came home and made babies. Semper Fi. (no disprespect to the USAF intended... Im proud of both... the AF man was a test pilot, dangerous work, but somebody had to do it.. and, as a result of his death, the ejection seats of the F4 phantom were improved..)
Glad to see yer doin OK, Aramarth.
How about driving into the sentry post and exploding? Do you get "<name> is having issues." AND get lit up?
And I think Obsidian should notice #32.
How about driving into the sentry post and exploding? Do you get "<name> is having issues." AND get lit up?
And I think Obsidian should notice #32.
lol
You get 70 something virgins and eternal happiness Leebs, if you believe the talk. As an alternative, I sell the discount tickets to Allah that do not include those two. I can do this simply by not requiring infidel pks for eligibility...
Thankfully for Obs, she doesn't frequent my gate.
Thankfully for Obs, she doesn't frequent my gate.
Good to hear you aint been "lit up" but in some places being "lit up" means being high, so errm.
Maybe I'm glad you are neither a junky, or shot.
[edit]
Hmm, an after thought, but maybe, just maybe, if ammo was made of some real sticky ikky, and you "lit up" terrorist types, and they got high instead of dead, it just might work.
Not that I mind making assholes into dead things, cos we are all either dicks, pussies or assholes. Pussies get /me cuts off the post there.
Maybe I'm glad you are neither a junky, or shot.
[edit]
Hmm, an after thought, but maybe, just maybe, if ammo was made of some real sticky ikky, and you "lit up" terrorist types, and they got high instead of dead, it just might work.
Not that I mind making assholes into dead things, cos we are all either dicks, pussies or assholes. Pussies get /me cuts off the post there.
Good to hear from ya.
"14. If we cannot read or pronounce your last name after two attempts, prepare
to be lit up."
Hilarious! And good to hear from you.
to be lit up."
Hilarious! And good to hear from you.
If you have a lame vanity license plate (such as your initials or 4Liz, etc.), prepare to be lit up.
Nice list.
Nice list.
I'd love to know what asshat prompted #29.
Also, "sound of a round being chambered in [a pop-gun]"... you guys don't bother with administrative loading?
Also, "sound of a round being chambered in [a pop-gun]"... you guys don't bother with administrative loading?
Hey now, doc. You and I both know that our government gives me the best weapons and tools availible with which to do my job, right?
#29 was a bathroom cleaner of Bangledesh origin, I believe. They like to be buddies with their escorts, and apparently don't always know the line. Racking that pop-gun into condition one was enough to defuse that situation. "Go ahead and take my mag, I can still shoot you..."
Whether or not we already have a round in the chamber is based upon threat level. It is not always appropriate.
#29 was a bathroom cleaner of Bangledesh origin, I believe. They like to be buddies with their escorts, and apparently don't always know the line. Racking that pop-gun into condition one was enough to defuse that situation. "Go ahead and take my mag, I can still shoot you..."
Whether or not we already have a round in the chamber is based upon threat level. It is not always appropriate.
I'm reminded of a Murphy's Law: your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. While that's been true for all standard issues, having spent a bit of time with both, I'd take the old M14 over the M16 any day.
But since you don't have a choice in the matter, may your bolt stay free of grit and never stick on you.
But since you don't have a choice in the matter, may your bolt stay free of grit and never stick on you.