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Quick question you guys, I am working on a little intro paragraph for my own little reason which several of you might already know. I want to know if this is accurate and if anyone can improve upon it, I would greatly appreciate. Hope you can understand the tone I am trying to set with this paragraph:
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AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessle is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, obstructed the Itani's attempts maliciously. For every peace attempt the Itani costructed, the Serco destroyed it. To the Serco, the Itani were scum.
War.
The Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness". They fooled the Itani into believing they were providing their ship safe passage home. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
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AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessle is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, obstructed the Itani's attempts maliciously. For every peace attempt the Itani costructed, the Serco destroyed it. To the Serco, the Itani were scum.
War.
The Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness". They fooled the Itani into believing they were providing their ship safe passage home. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
Itani Scum!
What a useful comment. Really though, I'm looking for some productive comments. :\ (I am Serco and hate itani as much as you, but for this I must be unbiased.)
I think there is too much ADDED anti-Serco bias.
Serco were more fearful and suspicious of the Itani crew they captured. I think saying they obsctructed the peace attempts maliciously is going a bit over board - they mistrusted the attempts. The bit about scum and cowardliness are fabricated as well. They fooled the Itani into giving directions. I guess saying they struck upon the Itani is okay if you're short on writing space, but it there were complicated negotiations in space prior to shots being fired.
Serco were more fearful and suspicious of the Itani crew they captured. I think saying they obsctructed the peace attempts maliciously is going a bit over board - they mistrusted the attempts. The bit about scum and cowardliness are fabricated as well. They fooled the Itani into giving directions. I guess saying they struck upon the Itani is okay if you're short on writing space, but it there were complicated negotiations in space prior to shots being fired.
Update:
------------------
AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, misinterpreted the Itani's attempts maliciously. For every peace attempt the Itani constructed, the Serco destroyed it.
War.
Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, the Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. They fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
------------------
AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, misinterpreted the Itani's attempts maliciously. For every peace attempt the Itani constructed, the Serco destroyed it.
War.
Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, the Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. They fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
Why's it always gotta be "maliciously"?
This implies they were doing it just to be nasty, when in fact it was more out of fear and misunderstanding.
This implies they were doing it just to be nasty, when in fact it was more out of fear and misunderstanding.
Update 2:
[Replaced 'maliciously' with 'fearfully'.]
-----------------------------------
AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, misinterpreted the Itani's attempts fearfully. For every peace attempt the Itani constructed, the Serco destroyed it.
War.
Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, the Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. They fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
[Replaced 'maliciously' with 'fearfully'.]
-----------------------------------
AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, misinterpreted the Itani's attempts fearfully. For every peace attempt the Itani constructed, the Serco destroyed it.
War.
Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, the Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. They fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
Ya that's getting closer.
The Serco were initally suspicious of the captured Itani crew's peace attempts. They were later disgusted by the cowardice of Eilon once they met him in Itani space.
The Serco were initally suspicious of the captured Itani crew's peace attempts. They were later disgusted by the cowardice of Eilon once they met him in Itani space.
Can you describe to be Elion and what he did please? I am confused by the backstory.
It boils down to cultural differences. The Serco and the Itani had developed very different styles of communication. Eilon was trying to defuse the situation (which we are sympathetic with in RL because it's closer to what we hold out as our ideal), while the Serco were offended that Eilon was not responding by negotiating in the way they were used to.
"It was some minutes before a response was forthcoming from the Serco, their matte black ships silently holding position around the transport vessel. Eventually a voice responded, "You have invaded the sovereign dominion of the Serco. Your spies have been captured and your invasion plot exposed. Now you sue for peace? Be thankful we permit you to speak at all". This first exchange set the tone for the rest of the discussion. The Abbot tried time and again to convince the Serco of the Itani's peaceful intentions. The Serco interpreted the lack of aggressive negotiating technique as cowardice, and became even more belligerent and openly contemptuous of the Itani diplomat. After several hours of fruitless argument, the exasperated Abbot informed the Serco that, if they wished it, no further attempts at contact or exploration would be made by the Itani. However, they would appreciate the return of the pilots from the captured exploratory mission. The Serco representative then made a haughty retort, stating that not only would the Itani never see their pilots again ("Enemy spies"), but that they had "begun an event that the Serco would surely finish". At this veiled threat the Abbot simply sighed, thanked the Serco for their time, and disclosed that he would be unable to continue negotiation, but that he hoped they might resume discussion at some point in the future. The transport ship turned about and began its trip back to Eo. Many now believe that this was a calculated attempt by Eilon to shake up the Serco and alleviate the deadlock in negotiations. Others simply believe that the Abbot's impatience and irritation with the belligerent Serco got the better of him. Either way, the outcome was likely not what he desired. The Serco became infuriated by his attempt to leave, calling it an insult that he should attempt to leave the company of his betters without asking permission. When he failed to respond, the Serco perused, firing warning shots across the bow of the transport vessel. "
"It was some minutes before a response was forthcoming from the Serco, their matte black ships silently holding position around the transport vessel. Eventually a voice responded, "You have invaded the sovereign dominion of the Serco. Your spies have been captured and your invasion plot exposed. Now you sue for peace? Be thankful we permit you to speak at all". This first exchange set the tone for the rest of the discussion. The Abbot tried time and again to convince the Serco of the Itani's peaceful intentions. The Serco interpreted the lack of aggressive negotiating technique as cowardice, and became even more belligerent and openly contemptuous of the Itani diplomat. After several hours of fruitless argument, the exasperated Abbot informed the Serco that, if they wished it, no further attempts at contact or exploration would be made by the Itani. However, they would appreciate the return of the pilots from the captured exploratory mission. The Serco representative then made a haughty retort, stating that not only would the Itani never see their pilots again ("Enemy spies"), but that they had "begun an event that the Serco would surely finish". At this veiled threat the Abbot simply sighed, thanked the Serco for their time, and disclosed that he would be unable to continue negotiation, but that he hoped they might resume discussion at some point in the future. The transport ship turned about and began its trip back to Eo. Many now believe that this was a calculated attempt by Eilon to shake up the Serco and alleviate the deadlock in negotiations. Others simply believe that the Abbot's impatience and irritation with the belligerent Serco got the better of him. Either way, the outcome was likely not what he desired. The Serco became infuriated by his attempt to leave, calling it an insult that he should attempt to leave the company of his betters without asking permission. When he failed to respond, the Serco perused, firing warning shots across the bow of the transport vessel. "
Hmm. The Serco "perused". I should probably fix that (should be pursued).
"Now you sue for peace?" kinda threw me too.
Much thanks you two. Not inluding the accuracy to the events that occurred, how does the tone of the paragraph sound?
Update 3:
------------------------------------------
AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, misinterpreted the Itani's negotiation methods fearfully. For every peace attempt the Itani constructed, the Serco destroyed it.
War.
Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, the Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. They fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
Update 3:
------------------------------------------
AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, misinterpreted the Itani's negotiation methods fearfully. For every peace attempt the Itani constructed, the Serco destroyed it.
War.
Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, the Serco would no longer stand for the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. They fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
AD 3827:
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, were suspicious of the Itani's intentions. Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, they fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world.
War.
The Serco fleet set a course back through the wormhole through which the Itani vessel had emerged. There they encountered an Itani emissary who repeatedly tried to convince them that the Itani had only peaceful intentions. The Serco became frustrated by the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
After hundreds of years of separation, the now fully independent races of Itani and Serco clash once again as an Itani research vessel is captured in Serco space. The Itani, a peaceful people strived for peace with the Serco. The Serco, now a violent and war-like race, were suspicious of the Itani's intentions. Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, they fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world.
War.
The Serco fleet set a course back through the wormhole through which the Itani vessel had emerged. There they encountered an Itani emissary who repeatedly tried to convince them that the Itani had only peaceful intentions. The Serco became frustrated by the Itani's "cowardliness" in negotiations. Shortly thereafter, they struck upon the Itani. So began the Forever-War...
Very nice. It is final unless anyone objects.
as an avid reader of joe haldeman, i must protest the use of the "forever war".
also, serco suck.
--uc
also, serco suck.
--uc
this is allso written from an Itani perspective?
You claim it was an Itani research vessel, just like the Itani biased backstory says, but the Serco claim it was an espionage ship.
The Itani not warlike? Don't forget they did nothing to stop the Order of Akan, so, are they peacefull, or just deceitful.
Eversince I read the (Itani) backstory, I have this gutfeeling the Itani are the real evil in the VO universe.
Just some insight from a wary UIT person. ;)
You claim it was an Itani research vessel, just like the Itani biased backstory says, but the Serco claim it was an espionage ship.
The Itani not warlike? Don't forget they did nothing to stop the Order of Akan, so, are they peacefull, or just deceitful.
Eversince I read the (Itani) backstory, I have this gutfeeling the Itani are the real evil in the VO universe.
Just some insight from a wary UIT person. ;)
"Frightened of that which the Itani might be scheming, they fooled the Itani into providing directions to their home world."
Change the "frightened" part, and its all cool.
Btw, they should write another backstory from the Serco point of view.
Change the "frightened" part, and its all cool.
Btw, they should write another backstory from the Serco point of view.
I don't know what this is for, but I was just trying to nudge it closer to the written backstory without having still more anti-Serco bias introduced.
As for "frightened", it's not that far off: " The Itani prisoners, in the meantime, did their best to convince the Serco of the good intentions of the Itani people. Viewed largely with suspicion by the Serco, they made little headway. At best they were seen as the spies of an unknown power, at worst, the van of an approaching armada. Either way, the new potential threat worried the Serco military commanders, prompting them to generate short-term plans for the possibility of interstellar war. "
As for "frightened", it's not that far off: " The Itani prisoners, in the meantime, did their best to convince the Serco of the good intentions of the Itani people. Viewed largely with suspicion by the Serco, they made little headway. At best they were seen as the spies of an unknown power, at worst, the van of an approaching armada. Either way, the new potential threat worried the Serco military commanders, prompting them to generate short-term plans for the possibility of interstellar war. "
I am Serco and hate Itani bitterly, so don't you say there's itani bias in here. ;) Simply trying to follow the backstory.