Forums » Role Playing
My Deepest Apologies...
Dear Vehement,
First, let me again welcome you to the Vipers! It's been a great pleasure flying with you, even when you accidentally target and destroy me instead of the pirate we're chasing. These things happen in the heat of combat, and I'm sure we all accept them as given, and I know that time last week when there were no pirates anywhere and you were sitting next to me in H2 for like 20 minutes but then destroyed me anyway was certainly an unfortunate mistaken identity, and I have no ill will about the incident.
I've decided to write this letter in the hopes you'll fogive me for the hazing, which admittedly got a little out of control. It's apparently a Viper tradition, but I either don't quite understand, or just went a little too far. So, my deepest apologies for all of the following hazings:
-I'm very sorry I used your comb to straighten my bottom hair. I should have at least had the decency to clean it out before replacing it in your locker
-When I installed your Positrons backwards on your Rev C, I didn't realize they were pointing at the engines. Sorry about the mix up
-I'm terribly sorry I sealed your locker shut. I thought the duct tape was too easy to get through, so I followed up with insta-weld, and the zookeeper assured me none of those snakes were poisonous, but I guess he lied. I'm sure you'll be up on your feet in no time, and I'm glad to hear the doctors expect you'll get the use of your thumbs back.
-I didn't mean to actually fake your mothers death. I was just trying to give you a little scare. The funeral was beautiful though.
Again, I'm very sorry things got out of hand.
Sincerely,
-Impavid
First, let me again welcome you to the Vipers! It's been a great pleasure flying with you, even when you accidentally target and destroy me instead of the pirate we're chasing. These things happen in the heat of combat, and I'm sure we all accept them as given, and I know that time last week when there were no pirates anywhere and you were sitting next to me in H2 for like 20 minutes but then destroyed me anyway was certainly an unfortunate mistaken identity, and I have no ill will about the incident.
I've decided to write this letter in the hopes you'll fogive me for the hazing, which admittedly got a little out of control. It's apparently a Viper tradition, but I either don't quite understand, or just went a little too far. So, my deepest apologies for all of the following hazings:
-I'm very sorry I used your comb to straighten my bottom hair. I should have at least had the decency to clean it out before replacing it in your locker
-When I installed your Positrons backwards on your Rev C, I didn't realize they were pointing at the engines. Sorry about the mix up
-I'm terribly sorry I sealed your locker shut. I thought the duct tape was too easy to get through, so I followed up with insta-weld, and the zookeeper assured me none of those snakes were poisonous, but I guess he lied. I'm sure you'll be up on your feet in no time, and I'm glad to hear the doctors expect you'll get the use of your thumbs back.
-I didn't mean to actually fake your mothers death. I was just trying to give you a little scare. The funeral was beautiful though.
Again, I'm very sorry things got out of hand.
Sincerely,
-Impavid
Dearest Impavid, (who shall be referred to herein as master of lies)
Thank you for your kind letter. Allow me to say first that you are most certainly one of the most colorful pilots I have ever flown with. But I must object in the strongest fashion to the improper impression you are giving the public through your masterful lies.
-I have better weapon discipline than half of the force, including you. It was not I who shot your ship master of lies, but rather one of our comrades whom I shall not dime out without at least a pitcher of encouragement. hint hint.
-You know quite well that my hair is shaved. It is literally too short to grab between a thumb and finger. I own no comb. I must hesitantly suggest that you took Seta's comb, confusing his locker with mine.
-You most certainly did know that it was pointing at the engines. I've never seen my hull begin to buckle that fast. Pray my fiance never hears about this one.
-The duct tape was challenging. The weld was a little much. I just wanted a fresh pair of socks for frick's sake. But, Mr. Master of Lies, my locker was locked and secured as you well know. If and when I finally get inside, which I have not accomplished yet, there will be no snakes, venomous or otherwise.
-My mother is in fact dead. My only living family is my sister as far as I know, and I haven't spoken to her in some time. The look on my face was dismay that you'd confuse my sister, to whom I have not spoken in years, with my mother, and how you found her before I did. You darned master of lies.
In the spirit of your offered apology, allow me to apologize in advance for the present that a couple of us left in your helmet. I really hope you looked before you threw it on.
Sincerely,
Vehement
Thank you for your kind letter. Allow me to say first that you are most certainly one of the most colorful pilots I have ever flown with. But I must object in the strongest fashion to the improper impression you are giving the public through your masterful lies.
-I have better weapon discipline than half of the force, including you. It was not I who shot your ship master of lies, but rather one of our comrades whom I shall not dime out without at least a pitcher of encouragement. hint hint.
-You know quite well that my hair is shaved. It is literally too short to grab between a thumb and finger. I own no comb. I must hesitantly suggest that you took Seta's comb, confusing his locker with mine.
-You most certainly did know that it was pointing at the engines. I've never seen my hull begin to buckle that fast. Pray my fiance never hears about this one.
-The duct tape was challenging. The weld was a little much. I just wanted a fresh pair of socks for frick's sake. But, Mr. Master of Lies, my locker was locked and secured as you well know. If and when I finally get inside, which I have not accomplished yet, there will be no snakes, venomous or otherwise.
-My mother is in fact dead. My only living family is my sister as far as I know, and I haven't spoken to her in some time. The look on my face was dismay that you'd confuse my sister, to whom I have not spoken in years, with my mother, and how you found her before I did. You darned master of lies.
In the spirit of your offered apology, allow me to apologize in advance for the present that a couple of us left in your helmet. I really hope you looked before you threw it on.
Sincerely,
Vehement
Dear Vehement,
I hope you realize is was quite hard to bring myself to accept that I may have taken things too far. In hindsight, I realize also that exposing how easily you fell for so many pranks so many times might not present you in the most favorable light. Still, it does hurt me that you simultaneously accepted my apologies and yet deny the things I've apologized for ever took place. I know it's hard to admit to so many mistakes, but take it from me, all things can be faced.
-It was you who shot my ship, and you know it. I only survived because you're a terrible shot, and hit a fairly useless bit of my ship. I didn't intend to make a big thing of it, but while you were mistargeting and also not hitting me, you managed to blow up two behemoths we were supposed to be protecting. I covered for you, please don't forget that.
-Ok yeah, I knew, but I didn't expect only one shot to blow up your ship. Oops.
-It IS embarrassing to be a Viper and get bitten by a poisonous snake. I'll let your version stand, Im sure you feel silly enough.
-She's already dead? I'm afraid that means I may have killed your sister. Sorry.
It's a great pleasure to fly with you (even though I constantly fear for my life, and the lives of others) and I look forward to working with you.
Again, welcome to the Vipers!
Sincerely,
-Impavid
I hope you realize is was quite hard to bring myself to accept that I may have taken things too far. In hindsight, I realize also that exposing how easily you fell for so many pranks so many times might not present you in the most favorable light. Still, it does hurt me that you simultaneously accepted my apologies and yet deny the things I've apologized for ever took place. I know it's hard to admit to so many mistakes, but take it from me, all things can be faced.
-It was you who shot my ship, and you know it. I only survived because you're a terrible shot, and hit a fairly useless bit of my ship. I didn't intend to make a big thing of it, but while you were mistargeting and also not hitting me, you managed to blow up two behemoths we were supposed to be protecting. I covered for you, please don't forget that.
-Ok yeah, I knew, but I didn't expect only one shot to blow up your ship. Oops.
-It IS embarrassing to be a Viper and get bitten by a poisonous snake. I'll let your version stand, Im sure you feel silly enough.
-She's already dead? I'm afraid that means I may have killed your sister. Sorry.
It's a great pleasure to fly with you (even though I constantly fear for my life, and the lives of others) and I look forward to working with you.
Again, welcome to the Vipers!
Sincerely,
-Impavid
Dear Master of Lies,
I must say in the most sincere fashion that your imagination is second to none. Your public support of the following fallacies in public is a grievous affront to a comrade you've just recently made, despite your carefully worded 'apology.'
-I have never even destroyed a behemoth, let alone your ship (outside of training duels). My gun camera data proves this for anyone who cares to look. Further, I would venture to suggest that my weapon discipline is better than at least half of the force, unlike yours which has put out at least one station window already to my knowledge.
-You most certainly did expect my ship to explode, but it was in actuality reduced only to 6% hull integrity. I still have it, parked in a station which I shall not disclose to you, to prove it. It is pending a meeting with some Orion engineers who will discuss how to prevent improperly mounting AAPs in the future.
-Not only have I still not regained access to my locker (sue a man for wanting a fresh pair of socks), but Orion Heavy Manufacturing strictly prohibits the trade or possession of living invertebrates of any kind on its stations. As an honest fellow Viper, I am certain you did not disobey these regulations.
-You've now convinced me that I need to find my sister, despite how unpleasant I may find the experience. I hope you're pleased with yourself.
I am thankful every day for the opportunity to fly with such excellent and like-minded pilots as the Vipers. Every one of them is willing to watch my back and I do not begrudge watching theirs, despite certain mischievous, even masterful weavers of deception in the ranks. It is my humble hope that such pranks cease in the future, as Lt. Blackhawk is still seeking the real story about what happened to that Centurion he was painting as an off-duty hobby.
Your comrade,
Vehement
P.S. Those marbles that mysteriously began appearing in your cockpit last night number 327 precisely, so until your count reaches that number, I wouldn't pull too many Gs in that "death raptor" of yours if you don't want more welts.
I must say in the most sincere fashion that your imagination is second to none. Your public support of the following fallacies in public is a grievous affront to a comrade you've just recently made, despite your carefully worded 'apology.'
-I have never even destroyed a behemoth, let alone your ship (outside of training duels). My gun camera data proves this for anyone who cares to look. Further, I would venture to suggest that my weapon discipline is better than at least half of the force, unlike yours which has put out at least one station window already to my knowledge.
-You most certainly did expect my ship to explode, but it was in actuality reduced only to 6% hull integrity. I still have it, parked in a station which I shall not disclose to you, to prove it. It is pending a meeting with some Orion engineers who will discuss how to prevent improperly mounting AAPs in the future.
-Not only have I still not regained access to my locker (sue a man for wanting a fresh pair of socks), but Orion Heavy Manufacturing strictly prohibits the trade or possession of living invertebrates of any kind on its stations. As an honest fellow Viper, I am certain you did not disobey these regulations.
-You've now convinced me that I need to find my sister, despite how unpleasant I may find the experience. I hope you're pleased with yourself.
I am thankful every day for the opportunity to fly with such excellent and like-minded pilots as the Vipers. Every one of them is willing to watch my back and I do not begrudge watching theirs, despite certain mischievous, even masterful weavers of deception in the ranks. It is my humble hope that such pranks cease in the future, as Lt. Blackhawk is still seeking the real story about what happened to that Centurion he was painting as an off-duty hobby.
Your comrade,
Vehement
P.S. Those marbles that mysteriously began appearing in your cockpit last night number 327 precisely, so until your count reaches that number, I wouldn't pull too many Gs in that "death raptor" of yours if you don't want more welts.
living invertebrates
That allows snakes, but prohibits [VPR] pilots; their lack of backbone is legendary.
That allows snakes, but prohibits [VPR] pilots; their lack of backbone is legendary.
DAMMIT Lecter I was fishing to see if Impavid would catch that. If I don't leave him any openings, where is the fun yknow?
Dear (whatever your name is, let's say, mud) mud,
I humbly accept your apology on behalf of myself and all the Vipers, as I'm sure you've realized accidentally exploding traders, even in the heat of battle or while under the influence of alcohol (or both), is strictly unexceptable. I appreciate your owning up. By standing up and taking responsibility for your mistakes you have only increased my respect for you.
-The marbles were hilarious until heavy G caused them to fracture my windshield and more G caused them and myself to be ejected from my cockpit and into space. On the upside, this marks the first pirate kill I've ever scored with only my G-seat, so thanks. I've returned the marbles to various moving parts of your ships.
-You may be surprised to learn that your particular Rev C is now the only Rev C in the galaxy with a third hidden small port. There isn't any external space for it, so it's internal. I've taken the liberty of installing a Sun Flare in the port. You probably won't find it until your first battle. You're welcome in advance.
-Fortunately I didn't fill your locker with invertebrates, unless you count the pale with the Jelly Fish, but you shouldn't have found that yet... I'll lend you a pair of socks.
-Your sister was a lovely young woman. She'll certainly be missed.
Again, it's an honor to fly with you. I have great respect a man who can own up to his mistakes, even the massive and completely avoidable failures such as yours.
Sincerely,
-Impavid
I humbly accept your apology on behalf of myself and all the Vipers, as I'm sure you've realized accidentally exploding traders, even in the heat of battle or while under the influence of alcohol (or both), is strictly unexceptable. I appreciate your owning up. By standing up and taking responsibility for your mistakes you have only increased my respect for you.
-The marbles were hilarious until heavy G caused them to fracture my windshield and more G caused them and myself to be ejected from my cockpit and into space. On the upside, this marks the first pirate kill I've ever scored with only my G-seat, so thanks. I've returned the marbles to various moving parts of your ships.
-You may be surprised to learn that your particular Rev C is now the only Rev C in the galaxy with a third hidden small port. There isn't any external space for it, so it's internal. I've taken the liberty of installing a Sun Flare in the port. You probably won't find it until your first battle. You're welcome in advance.
-Fortunately I didn't fill your locker with invertebrates, unless you count the pale with the Jelly Fish, but you shouldn't have found that yet... I'll lend you a pair of socks.
-Your sister was a lovely young woman. She'll certainly be missed.
Again, it's an honor to fly with you. I have great respect a man who can own up to his mistakes, even the massive and completely avoidable failures such as yours.
Sincerely,
-Impavid
Mr Master of Lies,
I was under the impression that alcohol was not to be consumed on duty, but if you can't handle the stress of flying with responsibility on your shoulders, I can try and overlook your shortcomings in the interest of harmony. Your drunkenness, of course, explains why you would hallucinate the way you do about my piloting.
-You might want to remove those marbles, ASAP. I parked Lt. Verde's Centurion where mine usually is, foreseeing foul play.
-See above.. I'd hate to see Nerde when he's angry..
-I don't want your socks, but thanks for the offer. I just flew home and found my special someone waiting for me with some socks fresh out of the dryer. That's dedication for ya. I'm glad to see you've abandoned the hospitalization claims, because my presence in space makes it very questionable. By the time I get it open, though, anything inside will be long dead.
-Not cool.
Your change in course is appreciated- and I am now tearing up that report I wrote regarding MB's custom paint job. If these proceedings are to be any guide, I am certain that we'll only grow closer in the future. Has Seta forgiven you for the damage to his comb, out of curiosity?
Cordially,
Vehement
I was under the impression that alcohol was not to be consumed on duty, but if you can't handle the stress of flying with responsibility on your shoulders, I can try and overlook your shortcomings in the interest of harmony. Your drunkenness, of course, explains why you would hallucinate the way you do about my piloting.
-You might want to remove those marbles, ASAP. I parked Lt. Verde's Centurion where mine usually is, foreseeing foul play.
-See above.. I'd hate to see Nerde when he's angry..
-I don't want your socks, but thanks for the offer. I just flew home and found my special someone waiting for me with some socks fresh out of the dryer. That's dedication for ya. I'm glad to see you've abandoned the hospitalization claims, because my presence in space makes it very questionable. By the time I get it open, though, anything inside will be long dead.
-Not cool.
Your change in course is appreciated- and I am now tearing up that report I wrote regarding MB's custom paint job. If these proceedings are to be any guide, I am certain that we'll only grow closer in the future. Has Seta forgiven you for the damage to his comb, out of curiosity?
Cordially,
Vehement
Dearest Vehement,
I drink because I care, and I care because if I don't remember, then I can't accidentally get you in trouble, and I don't want to write reports about your most recent, erm, "indiscretions" with the Makchuga dancers and that pony. Actually, report or not, I'm trying to burn that out of my head, because, yuck.
-Thank you for the warning about Nerde's Cent, I've removed the marbles and placed them in another of your ships, I'm sure you'll find them.
-Yeah, about that, I may have lied a little. I actually put a third small port on all the Rev C's, just to be sure.
-My socks are still yours whenever the need arises. I've just seen a picture of your special someone, and I'm a little confused... She looks EXACTLY like your sister!
I'm very glad we're getting all of these things cleared up. We're going to be flying together for a long time (or at least until you get us both killed) and I want that time to be positive for us both.
Best regards,
-Impavid
I drink because I care, and I care because if I don't remember, then I can't accidentally get you in trouble, and I don't want to write reports about your most recent, erm, "indiscretions" with the Makchuga dancers and that pony. Actually, report or not, I'm trying to burn that out of my head, because, yuck.
-Thank you for the warning about Nerde's Cent, I've removed the marbles and placed them in another of your ships, I'm sure you'll find them.
-Yeah, about that, I may have lied a little. I actually put a third small port on all the Rev C's, just to be sure.
-My socks are still yours whenever the need arises. I've just seen a picture of your special someone, and I'm a little confused... She looks EXACTLY like your sister!
I'm very glad we're getting all of these things cleared up. We're going to be flying together for a long time (or at least until you get us both killed) and I want that time to be positive for us both.
Best regards,
-Impavid
umm, an ewe isn't a pony...
The latest incident reports on his desk served only to confirm the Lieutenant's suspicions. Weapons malfunctions, improperly calibrated targeting computers and an over-zealously sealed personal effects locker in the Enlisted Quarters were, by themselves, of little concern. Taken together, along with comm logs and a review of Equipment and Provisioning records, the evidence all pointed to a more subtle problem than a bored deck crew. Forged hangar access logs, leading to the improper sign out and movement of fighters belonging to both Lieutenants, suggested discipline problems, while the pranks and hazing attempts indicated a great deal of unfocused energy. The Nuggets were restless, but that was something the Lieutenant could work with...
*Several hours later*
The Alert Pilots' Ready Room was unusually silent, the two Vipers' feud restrained only because their shift on the duty roster was up in 3 minutes. Neither one was quite sure how they had been placed in the same Alert shift without noticing the change.
"Action Stations, Action Stations! Alert pilots to the launchbay! Standby pilots to the Briefing Room!"
"Just two more minutes and I wouldn't have this frakhead for a wingmate! Someone out there has no respect for the well-being of others. Specifically, mine!"
"Always about you, isn't it, Vehement? Try to keep up, the sooner we shoot the frakker, the sooner you can get back to working on that locker. If you're lucky, what you so carelessly allowed to die in there will only have started to rot."
"Just for that, I'm buying another bag of marbles."
As the two fighters cleared the launch bay, the warning sirens clicked off, and the chatter in the Briefing Room was replaced with the sound of relayed comms from the two alert fighters.
"---Wait, check your action report... there's no sector indicated, no intercept course planned. What are we supposed to respond to?"
"That's an excellent question, Nugget. Impavid, what is the proper procedure when faced with a launch alert without a prepared briefing or situation report?"
"err... contact HQ and request further instructions, sir. And with that in mind, what are our instructions, Lt.?"
"Another good question, Nugget. You might call this a series of drills today. I have a few lessons in mind for the both of you. I've relayed coordinates for the exercise area, jump when ready."
Neither pilot was sure what to think of the situation. Flight training never started quite like this. As they entered the target sector, they found the Lieutenant waiting for them.
"The good news is, your time-to-launch was impressively swift. If I didn't know better, I'd think you wanted any excuse to get out of that Ready Room as fast as possible."
"You might say that, sir", the two pilots replied in unison.
"Well, I commend you on your dedication to your posts. But next time, you might want to be a little more thorough in your pre-flight check. Why don't you finish that up now? I can wait."
What had started as mild curiosity was blossoming into a severe case of confusion. The two pilots ran their belated flight diagnostics, and the sudden stop in their barely spoken comm chatter told the Lt. that the lesson would continue exactly as planned.
"Sir! What exactly--"
"As this is a training flight, and for today I am your Flight Instructor, I took the liberty of preparing your ships specifically for this lesson."
"But sir, Training Blasters?! Is the deck chief afraid we'll scratch the paint if we have real guns?"
"Yeah, sir. Do we look like green recruits fresh out of flight school?"
"That is exactly what the two of you look like! I thought that we were past the babysitting stage of your training, but recent events appear to have proven otherwise. So it's back to basics for the both of you."
"Lesson 1: Respect your wingmates. Impavid, this 'hazing' attempt of yours has gotten out of hand. I don't want to see any more of this insanity from either of you. It's dangerous enough out there without making it more so for each other with distractions and pranks. Is that clear?"
"Yessir"
"Lesson 2: Your ship is your life. Take care of it, and it will take care of you. That goes doubly for your wingmate's ship. If I see another incident report about engine damage due to someone's lost marbles, that someone will be having glass for breakfast."
*gulp* "Yessir"
"Sorry, sir."
"Lesson 3: The Lieutenant always gets the last laugh."
"Sir?"
"You didn't think it was going to be as simple as a chewing out, did you, Nuggets? You might have noticed two other 'oddities' during your post pre-flight check just now. First, Your comms and ship telemetry are being relayed to the Briefing Room for movie night. Since you two seem to think so highly of your comedy skills, I thought you wouldn't mind starring in a feature for the crew tonight."
"I'm afraid to ask, sir, but what sort of 'feature'?"
"We'll let you know how it turns out. Might be a comedy, or it might be a real thrill ride. Councillor Seta made sure to have the recorders on for the main event. You might also notice that your jump engines have been disabled. Until the training mission is complete, you will not be able to leave this sector. You two are going to run a standard Combat Performance Review scenario."
"A duel?! With Training Blasters?!"
"Exactly. As I said, it should be quite entertaining for the rest of the squadron. We will of course be using the Mission Monitoring and Observation Real-time Performance Gauge to evaluate your flight and combat skill as you fight. Should your ratings drop below your normal levels, the system will prompt you to work harder. If you continue to ignore it, the prompts will become... insistent. I suggest you don't give it any cause to do so. The winner of the duel will regain their jump drive to return to barracks. The loser will be returning to barracks as well, albeit less comfortably.
I expect the two of you to work out the rest of your differences before I see you back at HQ. I wager that you'll have more than enough time while you're here."
The Lieutenant's engines roared to life again as his ship made the jump back to Headquarters, where the Briefing Room was now filled with raucous laughter, cheers, and more than a few wagers as to the eventual outcome of the duel.
Back in the 'Training' sector, Impavid and Vehement eyed each other uneasily, each waiting for the other to make the first move. A moment later, each heard a cold, computerized voice: "Current combat efficiency rating... 0%. 'Encouragement' protocol initiating in 30 seconds."
** Epilogue **
Back at Headquarters, the rest of the Vipers watched the battle unfold as it was recorded for the guild archive. The following log entry was recorded by one of the spectators: "It was like watching a battle between martial arts masters armed with foam weapons. I laughed, I cried. Before it was over, I had taken 4 naps, 7 bathroom breaks and run my patrol shift."
*Several hours later*
The Alert Pilots' Ready Room was unusually silent, the two Vipers' feud restrained only because their shift on the duty roster was up in 3 minutes. Neither one was quite sure how they had been placed in the same Alert shift without noticing the change.
"Action Stations, Action Stations! Alert pilots to the launchbay! Standby pilots to the Briefing Room!"
"Just two more minutes and I wouldn't have this frakhead for a wingmate! Someone out there has no respect for the well-being of others. Specifically, mine!"
"Always about you, isn't it, Vehement? Try to keep up, the sooner we shoot the frakker, the sooner you can get back to working on that locker. If you're lucky, what you so carelessly allowed to die in there will only have started to rot."
"Just for that, I'm buying another bag of marbles."
As the two fighters cleared the launch bay, the warning sirens clicked off, and the chatter in the Briefing Room was replaced with the sound of relayed comms from the two alert fighters.
"---Wait, check your action report... there's no sector indicated, no intercept course planned. What are we supposed to respond to?"
"That's an excellent question, Nugget. Impavid, what is the proper procedure when faced with a launch alert without a prepared briefing or situation report?"
"err... contact HQ and request further instructions, sir. And with that in mind, what are our instructions, Lt.?"
"Another good question, Nugget. You might call this a series of drills today. I have a few lessons in mind for the both of you. I've relayed coordinates for the exercise area, jump when ready."
Neither pilot was sure what to think of the situation. Flight training never started quite like this. As they entered the target sector, they found the Lieutenant waiting for them.
"The good news is, your time-to-launch was impressively swift. If I didn't know better, I'd think you wanted any excuse to get out of that Ready Room as fast as possible."
"You might say that, sir", the two pilots replied in unison.
"Well, I commend you on your dedication to your posts. But next time, you might want to be a little more thorough in your pre-flight check. Why don't you finish that up now? I can wait."
What had started as mild curiosity was blossoming into a severe case of confusion. The two pilots ran their belated flight diagnostics, and the sudden stop in their barely spoken comm chatter told the Lt. that the lesson would continue exactly as planned.
"Sir! What exactly--"
"As this is a training flight, and for today I am your Flight Instructor, I took the liberty of preparing your ships specifically for this lesson."
"But sir, Training Blasters?! Is the deck chief afraid we'll scratch the paint if we have real guns?"
"Yeah, sir. Do we look like green recruits fresh out of flight school?"
"That is exactly what the two of you look like! I thought that we were past the babysitting stage of your training, but recent events appear to have proven otherwise. So it's back to basics for the both of you."
"Lesson 1: Respect your wingmates. Impavid, this 'hazing' attempt of yours has gotten out of hand. I don't want to see any more of this insanity from either of you. It's dangerous enough out there without making it more so for each other with distractions and pranks. Is that clear?"
"Yessir"
"Lesson 2: Your ship is your life. Take care of it, and it will take care of you. That goes doubly for your wingmate's ship. If I see another incident report about engine damage due to someone's lost marbles, that someone will be having glass for breakfast."
*gulp* "Yessir"
"Sorry, sir."
"Lesson 3: The Lieutenant always gets the last laugh."
"Sir?"
"You didn't think it was going to be as simple as a chewing out, did you, Nuggets? You might have noticed two other 'oddities' during your post pre-flight check just now. First, Your comms and ship telemetry are being relayed to the Briefing Room for movie night. Since you two seem to think so highly of your comedy skills, I thought you wouldn't mind starring in a feature for the crew tonight."
"I'm afraid to ask, sir, but what sort of 'feature'?"
"We'll let you know how it turns out. Might be a comedy, or it might be a real thrill ride. Councillor Seta made sure to have the recorders on for the main event. You might also notice that your jump engines have been disabled. Until the training mission is complete, you will not be able to leave this sector. You two are going to run a standard Combat Performance Review scenario."
"A duel?! With Training Blasters?!"
"Exactly. As I said, it should be quite entertaining for the rest of the squadron. We will of course be using the Mission Monitoring and Observation Real-time Performance Gauge to evaluate your flight and combat skill as you fight. Should your ratings drop below your normal levels, the system will prompt you to work harder. If you continue to ignore it, the prompts will become... insistent. I suggest you don't give it any cause to do so. The winner of the duel will regain their jump drive to return to barracks. The loser will be returning to barracks as well, albeit less comfortably.
I expect the two of you to work out the rest of your differences before I see you back at HQ. I wager that you'll have more than enough time while you're here."
The Lieutenant's engines roared to life again as his ship made the jump back to Headquarters, where the Briefing Room was now filled with raucous laughter, cheers, and more than a few wagers as to the eventual outcome of the duel.
Back in the 'Training' sector, Impavid and Vehement eyed each other uneasily, each waiting for the other to make the first move. A moment later, each heard a cold, computerized voice: "Current combat efficiency rating... 0%. 'Encouragement' protocol initiating in 30 seconds."
** Epilogue **
Back at Headquarters, the rest of the Vipers watched the battle unfold as it was recorded for the guild archive. The following log entry was recorded by one of the spectators: "It was like watching a battle between martial arts masters armed with foam weapons. I laughed, I cried. Before it was over, I had taken 4 naps, 7 bathroom breaks and run my patrol shift."
*****Incoming transmission, Viper Secure Channel*****
Dear Lt. Nerde Verde,
We would like to apologize together, to clear the air. We're both very sorry about all the things we're about to do to you, and hope that you'll forgive us in advance for the following ill conceived and juvenile pranks:
-We're very sorry about the <DECRYPTION ERROR!> tha<DECRYPTION ERROR!>. Were it not for <DECRYPTION ERROR!> age.
-We also regret <DECRYPTION ERROR!> <DECRYPTION ERROR!> monkey <DECRYPTION ERROR!> rhinopotomus <DECRYPTION ERROR!> sauce.
-<DECRYPTION ERROR!> <CUSS WORD OMITTED> <DECRYPTION ERROR!> <DECRYPTION ERROR!>
-We also deeply <DECRYPTION ERROR!> sandwiches <DECRYPTION ERROR!> <DECRYPTION ERROR!> butter tarts and <DECRYPTION ERROR!> We know how much you enjoy <DECRYPTION ERROR!> hookers <DECRYPTION ERROR!> never meant to <DECRYPTION ERROR!>
Again, thank you in advance for your understanding.
Sincerely,
Impavid and Vehement (best buds for life)
*****End transmission, Viper Secure Channel*****
Dear Lt. Nerde Verde,
We would like to apologize together, to clear the air. We're both very sorry about all the things we're about to do to you, and hope that you'll forgive us in advance for the following ill conceived and juvenile pranks:
-We're very sorry about the <DECRYPTION ERROR!> tha<DECRYPTION ERROR!>. Were it not for <DECRYPTION ERROR!> age.
-We also regret <DECRYPTION ERROR!> <DECRYPTION ERROR!> monkey <DECRYPTION ERROR!> rhinopotomus <DECRYPTION ERROR!> sauce.
-<DECRYPTION ERROR!> <CUSS WORD OMITTED> <DECRYPTION ERROR!> <DECRYPTION ERROR!>
-We also deeply <DECRYPTION ERROR!> sandwiches <DECRYPTION ERROR!> <DECRYPTION ERROR!> butter tarts and <DECRYPTION ERROR!> We know how much you enjoy <DECRYPTION ERROR!> hookers <DECRYPTION ERROR!> never meant to <DECRYPTION ERROR!>
Again, thank you in advance for your understanding.
Sincerely,
Impavid and Vehement (best buds for life)
*****End transmission, Viper Secure Channel*****
Vehement collapsed on his couch. His eyes were wired, and his hands still felt like they held the controls of his centurion. His fiance knew those eyes, and recognized them for what they were, but had not seen them since the Latos conflict in the fall.
"Nolan.. there was nothing on the news. Who were you fighting?"
Vehement stared at the far wall, leaving it doubtful he'd heard a word.
"Nolan!" Another unresponsive stare. She decided that her pilot needed some encouragement. Running her fingers through his hair was enough.
"Oh, hey Red. How was your-"
"Who were you fighting all night? You never came home."
"Heh.." Vehement began to try and form an explanation, but his betrothed crossing her arms with a frown told him the truth was his best option. "Lieutenant Verde put his foot down about the hazing. Made us fight with training blasters, with encouragement, and made the whole ordeal into a Viper training video."
"I told you not to let Impavid get to you!"
"Well.. You know why. I still worry about my sister and I've no idea where she is. Even so, I could have ignored him if he wasn't making such a spectacle.."
"You need some sleep-" she received a look of protest, which she had expected. "I know you still have too much adrenaline, I didn't mean now."
"Then what did you have in mind beautiful?"
"Oh.. this'n that.." She began to massage his forehead the same way she had when he was in that coma months ago. There were still some lingering results of Vehement's ordeal, some subconscious cue, that gave her the practically supernatural power to put him to sleep at will. He was out in mere minutes. She couldn't help but smile at her handiwork as she shut off the lights, retrieved the book she was reading, and headed into another room.
"Nolan.. there was nothing on the news. Who were you fighting?"
Vehement stared at the far wall, leaving it doubtful he'd heard a word.
"Nolan!" Another unresponsive stare. She decided that her pilot needed some encouragement. Running her fingers through his hair was enough.
"Oh, hey Red. How was your-"
"Who were you fighting all night? You never came home."
"Heh.." Vehement began to try and form an explanation, but his betrothed crossing her arms with a frown told him the truth was his best option. "Lieutenant Verde put his foot down about the hazing. Made us fight with training blasters, with encouragement, and made the whole ordeal into a Viper training video."
"I told you not to let Impavid get to you!"
"Well.. You know why. I still worry about my sister and I've no idea where she is. Even so, I could have ignored him if he wasn't making such a spectacle.."
"You need some sleep-" she received a look of protest, which she had expected. "I know you still have too much adrenaline, I didn't mean now."
"Then what did you have in mind beautiful?"
"Oh.. this'n that.." She began to massage his forehead the same way she had when he was in that coma months ago. There were still some lingering results of Vehement's ordeal, some subconscious cue, that gave her the practically supernatural power to put him to sleep at will. He was out in mere minutes. She couldn't help but smile at her handiwork as she shut off the lights, retrieved the book she was reading, and headed into another room.